Correspondence with Dr Fence Salesman

(a parable)

[A Letter From the Daughter / Sister to her fence salesman]

Dear Dr. Salesman,

It is with great distress that I write this letter, since we have heard that you lost my father as one of your fence-builders. I wanted to assure you that your fence building advice has not been lost on us, and we continue to follow your supplemental manual religiously. The audio tapes have been especially motivating.

You were right that if we built a few very high fences and rebuked the children sharply they would eventually not want to go outside of the fences toward the danger. We were still concerned about my brother and his influence on Dad and the rest of the family, but we had made the difficult decision to build a wall and fence to prevent their influence on our own children's desire for the other side of the fence. Eventually we came to believe you were right, and now we agree that we should have done it sooner.

It has been hard, but the results have been effective, and our children have almost entirely quit going over, around, or through the fences. Your guidance has been a real help, but we were hoping you could come over and help us maintain these fences. There are just so many of them that we need your expertise.

One More Time Around the Fences

Continued from, "Fences Vs. Windows, A Conversation"

Well, it had been a long time since we had visited our son, and we at least wanted to give him another opportunity to return to a proper view of high fences. Also, I was curious to see how his children were doing. Over at my daughter's house, it was becoming quite a challenge. Since the increasing influence of neighbors and the ever-increasing dangers were demanding more and higher fences, their house had become a confusing labyrinth of fences.

When we arrived, we noticed that there were no new fences, but we were surprised to see that there were a few fences still up. I made a mental note to ask why he kept them, even though he didn't seem to value the safety of closer and higher fences. We also noticed the older children happily playing, out in the open, unprotected, in the middle of the yard. It was clear to us that he hadn't changed course, and we needed to try one more time to encourage our son to protect his children.

Son, why do you have so few fences?

"Its funny you should ask that, Dad," he replied. "It all started when I began to read the fence builder's manual. I discovered that fences actually serve to demonstrate the tendency of children to go over, under, or around them. I also learned that

Fences vs. Windows, A Conversation

Continued from "Second Generation Fence Building"

We all met for a family dinner at my son's house, and the following conversation, as best as I can remember it, transpired:

"Windows are much better than fences," I heard my son assert, but his sister's retort was quick and decisive, "You've got to be kidding! Haven't you learned anything from mom and dad?" [My whole life was invested into these two and their younger siblings, and there was too much at stake to simply ignore such an important conversation. Besides...I was curious as to why my son had seemed to so thoroughly reject my fences.]

Son:

Of course, I love mom and dad dearly and greatly respect what they were trying to accomplish. However, I don't think the fences they built really did what they expected. You know, as well as I, that the fences didn't prevent our playing on the other side; we simply learned how to do it so that we looked like we were playing on the right side of the fence. Remember?

Daughter:

Yes...how could I forget? It is true that there were certain places where we could play that had the appearance of staying in the fences, but we were too careless. Higher fences would have prevented that, and the added benefit would be the removal of temptation. Higher and stronger fences help our children learn to stay inside the fence.

Son:

Why would I want them to learn how to stay in the fences?

Second Generation Fence Building

Continued from "The Other Side of the Fence"

I have already explained how and why we came to have all these fences (and a few barriers) around our house, but I haven't really told you the whole story. It wasn't long after we built the fences with our back-yard neighbor that things began to unravel, and before we knew what had happened, everything we had worked for began falling apart.

It was at this time that our oldest son soon moved away to begin his own household, and we were very careful to help him establish all the right fences and barriers for his family. After all...it didn't make sense for him to have to learn the hard way. He would be ahead of the game by using our yard as a template.

We thought things were going well, and he seemed to have gotten a good start following our advise. Of course, we didn't mind the few minor changes that he made here or there. As long as he had high fences, his kids would be safe. Of course, it wasn't long before he began to notice that his kids were finding their way over, around, or through their fences, and he would always come to us for assistance in how to construct and maintain strong fences.

Gradually, he stopped coming to us for advise, and we became concerned. We worried that he might be tempted to remove some of those fences, but we didn't want to interfere with their home. After a while we went for a visit and looked for those familiar fences, but to our horror,

Oxygen for the Abused

So you know someone who has left an abusive situation. What can you do? Here are a few simple guidelines that can help. For starters, there are three things that are like oxygen for the abused, and these should be given liberally and without any expectations.

1. Patience - They will struggle with strong emotions that will seem contradictory to you. They aren't always going to make the right decisions. They usually have been managed and controlled for so long that they don't yet know how to use the freedom that they have gained in the absence of the abuser. 
2. Respect - They are their own person, and that truth has been violated by their abuser until they are at a point where they need to discover and explore truth without the manipulations of an agenda other than their own and God's. Don't confuse your agenda with God's; He will work on them in their own time. Remember this: a nice and controlling person who wants to rescue you is only a little better than the mean controlling person. Both actually undermine the victim. They don't need a voice to speak for them, they need to be shown how to use their own. 
3.  Love - Abuse is the opposite of love, and those who have lived in oppression have been starved for love. Don't just love them, go well beyond that. Demonstrate the love of Jesus to them, live it with them. Show kindness and understanding, and leave the accusations for Satan. He is the accuser of the brethren. 

What about the abuser? Shouldn't they be free from our judgement and accusation?

On Abusive Pastors

For a variety of reasons, this topic has been on my mind lately, and I wanted to highlight a recent article by Cameron Buettel at Grace to You. 

"Throughout the history of the church, God has set aside men to faithfully preach the Word, care for spiritual needs, build up the Body of Christ, and protect it from the influence of false teachers and their heresies—in essence, God has called them to shepherd His sheep. But recent decades have seen the rise of church leaders who see themselves, not as servants and protectors of the flock, but as visionaries whose flocks exist to support them and their visions.

Whenever pride and self-will become confused with spiritual reasoning, you will have an abusive pastor, and recognizing such a pastor is important for the church today. Here are three main indicators by which 3rd John says you will recognize them (cf. comments regarding Diotrophes in 3 John):

Answering a Crisis of Authority

Many years ago I started blogging and writing on matters that were important to me and the church where I was pastoring. I was among a group of young fundamentalists that were pejoratively labeled, "Neo Fundamentalists" by the most conservative wing of evangelical Christianity, so my blog became "NeoFundamentalist" and I used to go by the screen name "NeoFundy."

Among fundamentalism (the most conservative side of Evangelicalism), the rise of the internet and blogging proved to be a serious challenge to the status quo. During the early 2000's, one blog / forum ("Sharper Iron") became the fast moving hub for those who wanted to think through and challenge the standard narrative of why young fundamentalists were abandoning their separatist roots. Since that time, it has slowed down and become more of a news and views forum.

Blogging during that time initiated several friendships that happily remain to this day. Those friendships were forged in the shared belief that something had to change in our circle of churches, ministries, and conservative evangelicalism as a whole. We came together as co-belligerents in a conversation that still reverberates today. However, critique and analysis cannot sustain a movement, and while blogging served a useful purpose in highlighting the problems, it did not offer much in the way of constructive solutions.