Oxygen for the Abused

So you know someone who has left an abusive situation. What can you do? Here are a few simple guidelines that can help. For starters, there are three things that are like oxygen for the abused, and these should be given liberally and without any expectations.

1. Patience - They will struggle with strong emotions that will seem contradictory to you. They aren't always going to make the right decisions. They usually have been managed and controlled for so long that they don't yet know how to use the freedom that they have gained in the absence of the abuser. 
2. Respect - They are their own person, and that truth has been violated by their abuser until they are at a point where they need to discover and explore truth without the manipulations of an agenda other than their own and God's. Don't confuse your agenda with God's; He will work on them in their own time. Remember this: a nice and controlling person who wants to rescue you is only a little better than the mean controlling person. Both actually undermine the victim. They don't need a voice to speak for them, they need to be shown how to use their own. 
3.  Love - Abuse is the opposite of love, and those who have lived in oppression have been starved for love. Don't just love them, go well beyond that. Demonstrate the love of Jesus to them, live it with them. Show kindness and understanding, and leave the accusations for Satan. He is the accuser of the brethren. 

What about the abuser? Shouldn't they be free from our judgement and accusation?
It might surprise some to hear, "yes," however resisting the natural urge to stand in judgement and accusation doesn't mean that we don't bring truth to bear in the abuser's life. We do this by prayer for repentance, holding their actions up to the Word of God, and letting truth do its work. To understand what I mean, consider that there are three things that will suck the oxygen out of the abuser's actions, and if there is going to be hope for healing with the abuser (and there is hope), then the following should be undermined.

1. Immunity - For too long, the abuser has used blame-shifting, minimization, and other manipulations to avoid or diminish their responsibility for their own sin. They perceive themselves to be above blame and without significant sin. Their pride and self-deception run so strong and so deep that they can justify all kinds of horrific abuse. While not being accusatory, it is important to present the abuser with a clear understanding of their sin, just as David was confronted by Samuel saying, "You are the man." Truth must be held forth as truth, and if the abuser is going to get help, they are going to have to first admit that they are abusive.
2. Support - One of the most destructive elements of dealing with abuse situations, especially in a religious context, is the aid and support that is given to an abuser. Well meaning religious leaders are especially susceptible to the abuser's manipulations because they often share many of the same insecurities and pride. Calls for the victims to reconcile or forgive, even before the abuser has really owned the truth of what they have done, are especially destructive. This support leaves the abuser in a condition that allows continued shifting of responsibility to background, stress, or other false "causes." Remove this support and the motivation for the abuser to continue the lies and abuse can be greatly diminished.
3. Control - at the heart of the abuser's beliefs is the idea that they have a right to control the actions, beliefs, and behaviors of another person. In a religious context, where people often use terms like authority and submission without a clear understanding of what these really mean, the abuser can get the idea that they have a right to demand unquestioning obedience. The end result of this misunderstanding of biblical authority and submission is that the victims are often stripped of their humanity and treated as slaves of their abuser while the abuser elevates themself to the place of God in the home. The only way to reverse the abuser's sin is for them to either give up or lose control.

Ironically, the abuser seeks to be God in the life of their victims, and actually supplants God for them. The victim is abused verbally, spiritually, and even physically until they have reached the point where the abuser speaks for God, commands like God, expects obedience like God, and exacts vengeance like God. In the heart of sinful man, that kind of power is never positive. No one can take the place of God in anyone's life without dire consequences in family, church, and society as a whole.

It is worthwhile to note that there are abuse advocacy groups that end up doing almost as much damage as the abuser themselves because they unwittingly become God to the victims. It is easy to do, and it feels like it will help, but no one, not even a well meaning advocate or pastor, should ever step in the role that belongs only to God.

These advocacy groups also tend to treat the abusers as a lost cause, and it is true that many will hold so tightly to their delusions and pride that they cannot be helped. However, there are some who can learn to take responsibility for the destruction they have caused, to shed the illusions of their deceptions and speak truth to those that they have manipulated into supporting them, and to relinquish control to God and submit to Him. Then they can learn how to show love to their loved ones, to respect them as individuals with a special and direct relationship with God, and to grant the patience, kindness, and mercy that God has granted them.